To give and to receive

Two friends have been discussing Valentine gift traditions within their relationships.

G and her husband each ensure that their gift is what the other most truly wants; G (a passionate creator in art, decor and DIY senses) is thrilled to have received a nail gun. They also choose their own time to suit the disposition of their lives; their Valentine's Day this year was on February 11th, when both were at home and leisure to enjoy it.

J and his wife have a rule that their gifts are never "useful"; I don't know what his gift to her was this year, only that it was well received.

J describes these two traditions as "quite different", but I'm not so sure. Aren't they both a question of ensuring that, in G's words, the give is what the recipient wants?

One of the difficult things to learn, as a child growing up, was to distance myself sufficiently from what I liked and would wish to receive when choosing a present for someone else. Some people never learn it; some just morph it into what they would like the recipient to enjoy (I have known plenty of men who cannot understand why their wives or partners are not thrilled to receive a football or a backless nurse's uniform, and women who expected their husbands to be excited about paint, brushes and a stepladder); others simply sublimate it into stereotypical assumptions (a tie for him, a pair of tights for her, perhaps, year after year). What stands out in both J's and G's cases is the fact that they have triumphantly made this leap and can look at their giving through the eyes of the receiving other.

As someone who is prefers not to give or receive at all on specified days (I enjoy giving and receiving things as much as anyone else – I just prefer it to be on impulse, not on a culturally assigned date or occasion) I've had to do some wrestling with what is important to me. If I refuse to receive, then by definition I refuse someone else the opportunity to give; if I accede to the wish to give, I deny myself; it's a difficult one.

The first year we were together, my partner respected my feelings. I didn't think enough about it, and it made her thoroughly miserable, so it couldn't go on. The compromise we've gradually reached is that she and I give to each other at times which are important to her, but I don't give to, or accept from, anyone else in the circles of family, friends or acquaintance beyond that on defined days ... at other times, they have to accept that I give when I feel like it and receive when they wish. It's a long way from perfect, but it seems to work. And, like G & J, we (my partner and I) try to always place what the other would wish at the centre of every gift decision ... which means that I never receive clothes or "useful" gifts at such times, while she sometimes does. It may sound different from either J's or G's traditions but, I hope at least, there's not so very much difference at all.